Dark Shadows

2012 Written by John Augus and Seth Grahame-Smith
Based on characters created by Dan Curtis

Directed by Tim Burton

I was really excited to watch this movie. The hubby and I waited two hours in line under hot weather waiting to get in. After being the playground for bugs and hearing how much people liked wasting money while in line, we finally got in. Basically after hours under the sun, you guessed it, the theater wreaked of bad BO. But that's okay because the preview looked awesome, but as long as the lines were, there were many empty seats.  Hopefully all this talk won't hype you up too much because the preview was pretty much false advertisement. Here's really how I feel: it wasn't that funny.

So to set the stage, lets first talk about the preview. If you haven't see it yet, please see clip below.

Now that you've watched it, it's just fair to assume the following...

1. Humor
2. Humor
3. Humor

Gosh, where should I begin? Basically this movie started as the Collins family moved to Collinsport, Maine. They created an economy specializing in seafood. That meant they were rich and had many servants, yada yada yada. Barnabas Collins played by Johnny Dept was the handsome heir to all this bonanza. One of his servants, played by Eva Green turned out to be a witch, was also attracted to his power. Imagine a psycho bitch killing everyone close to you just to ensure a permanent place in your heart. Basically she wants a puppet, but it ain't going to be a free bird like Barnabas. I feel bad for anyone who gets remotely close to him. He's the equivalent to a human blood diamond. Just stay away if you want to live. As much confidence as this witch has, jealousy wins again, and Barnabas, who believes in freedom, ends up locked away for eternity. The girlfriend, the family, and even future family members ended up dead or cursed. The message is clear. Stay away from possessive people. Stay away from people being the target of possession.  Otherwise, you will suffer something worse than death. Not only that, these women are so irrational to even kill innocent people or even those who happened to breath the same air as their target at any time.

Ok, lesson learned. Let's move on. I really like Michelle Pfeiffer's character. She played Elizabeth, a rich lady and now the owner of the dilapidated mansion. She's somehow related to Barnabas, and I don't remember to what extent. Michelle Pfeiffer had played amazing witches before, and standing up to Eva Green, the powerful witch of this movie, she doesn't lack power one bit. The difference in power is that the witch is out there to protect her own feelings through killing people, while Elizabeth is out there to protect her family. But the flaw to her character is that she can be bribed with money, but she only did it to protect her family. Who would live with a Vampire in exchange for money? That's one twisted personality.

Speaking of greed, the doctor played by Helena Bonham Carter, got close to Barnabas hoping to steal eternal youth though stealing his blood. Her own greed let to her demise. It's weird how it seems more dignified to be greedy to protect the family but when it comes to doing it for yourself, it's just not cool. I can only imagine rigor mortis being the only incentive in screwing a vampire. NO NO NO!!!

As much as Barnabas ended with everything he had hoped for, he's still full out shit. Anyone who loved him or happened to be around him ended up suffering. His past life girlfriend, his parents, the people who got him out of the casket, the people who helped him sort through his emotions, his human meals, and even the witch. The witch offered herself sexually, and he took it, even after she had him locked away for centuries What kind of douche bag does that?  But I feel for Elizabeth's nephew played by Gulliver McGrath the most. He became an orphan just because he had to sleep with his hot servant even though he clearly is in love with somebody else. The witch and Barnabas are equally as crappy in nature. But because you expect witches to be evil and main characters to be awesome, Eva Greene did a great job. Now with Johnny Depp's role, he's just sleazy.

Now I had to think about the least offensive character and that has to be the daughter played by Chloe Mortz. She got along with Johnny Depp, and "surprisingly," she got cursed as a baby. You can't tell what she is when she transformed, maybe a demon, an alien, a cat.....oh wait, she's a werewolf??? Smokes!!! Not like her part wasn't already screwed up enough being undeveloped/ disjointed.

Now, Victoria, played by Bella Heathcoat, played an extremely pitiful character. I don't know if we should call her stupid or brave. She fell in love with a two timer, possessed her reincarnation, and would risk her life two times for a blood diamond. Which normal person in their right mind would marry a douche bag like Barnabas and die for him so many freaken time? Can't ghosts go in and out easily to see how many woman he had slept with? This irks me!

As much as I did enjoy some of the characters for portraying how nasty people really are, I was looking for a fun movie that matched the preview. All the fun parts were highlighted in the preview and no humor got developed further. As you can see, you know which character boils my blood. The preview sure did a lot of false advertisement and kicked ass for making people wait in line for hours for what seemed to be better rent at home. This movie did not meet my expectation. In fact, as fictional films meant not to be real, it sure didn't make a whole lot of sense. I am reluctant to give them credit for that.