Dark Shadows

2012 Written by John Augus and Seth Grahame-Smith
Based on characters created by Dan Curtis

Directed by Tim Burton

I was really excited to watch this movie. The hubby and I waited two hours in line under hot weather waiting to get in. After being the playground for bugs and hearing how much people liked wasting money while in line, we finally got in. Basically after hours under the sun, you guessed it, the theater wreaked of bad BO. But that's okay because the preview looked awesome, but as long as the lines were, there were many empty seats.  Hopefully all this talk won't hype you up too much because the preview was pretty much false advertisement. Here's really how I feel: it wasn't that funny.

So to set the stage, lets first talk about the preview. If you haven't see it yet, please see clip below.

Now that you've watched it, it's just fair to assume the following...

1. Humor
2. Humor
3. Humor

Gosh, where should I begin? Basically this movie started as the Collins family moved to Collinsport, Maine. They created an economy specializing in seafood. That meant they were rich and had many servants, yada yada yada. Barnabas Collins played by Johnny Dept was the handsome heir to all this bonanza. One of his servants, played by Eva Green turned out to be a witch, was also attracted to his power. Imagine a psycho bitch killing everyone close to you just to ensure a permanent place in your heart. Basically she wants a puppet, but it ain't going to be a free bird like Barnabas. I feel bad for anyone who gets remotely close to him. He's the equivalent to a human blood diamond. Just stay away if you want to live. As much confidence as this witch has, jealousy wins again, and Barnabas, who believes in freedom, ends up locked away for eternity. The girlfriend, the family, and even future family members ended up dead or cursed. The message is clear. Stay away from possessive people. Stay away from people being the target of possession.  Otherwise, you will suffer something worse than death. Not only that, these women are so irrational to even kill innocent people or even those who happened to breath the same air as their target at any time.

Ok, lesson learned. Let's move on. I really like Michelle Pfeiffer's character. She played Elizabeth, a rich lady and now the owner of the dilapidated mansion. She's somehow related to Barnabas, and I don't remember to what extent. Michelle Pfeiffer had played amazing witches before, and standing up to Eva Green, the powerful witch of this movie, she doesn't lack power one bit. The difference in power is that the witch is out there to protect her own feelings through killing people, while Elizabeth is out there to protect her family. But the flaw to her character is that she can be bribed with money, but she only did it to protect her family. Who would live with a Vampire in exchange for money? That's one twisted personality.

Speaking of greed, the doctor played by Helena Bonham Carter, got close to Barnabas hoping to steal eternal youth though stealing his blood. Her own greed let to her demise. It's weird how it seems more dignified to be greedy to protect the family but when it comes to doing it for yourself, it's just not cool. I can only imagine rigor mortis being the only incentive in screwing a vampire. NO NO NO!!!

As much as Barnabas ended with everything he had hoped for, he's still full out shit. Anyone who loved him or happened to be around him ended up suffering. His past life girlfriend, his parents, the people who got him out of the casket, the people who helped him sort through his emotions, his human meals, and even the witch. The witch offered herself sexually, and he took it, even after she had him locked away for centuries What kind of douche bag does that?  But I feel for Elizabeth's nephew played by Gulliver McGrath the most. He became an orphan just because he had to sleep with his hot servant even though he clearly is in love with somebody else. The witch and Barnabas are equally as crappy in nature. But because you expect witches to be evil and main characters to be awesome, Eva Greene did a great job. Now with Johnny Depp's role, he's just sleazy.

Now I had to think about the least offensive character and that has to be the daughter played by Chloe Mortz. She got along with Johnny Depp, and "surprisingly," she got cursed as a baby. You can't tell what she is when she transformed, maybe a demon, an alien, a cat.....oh wait, she's a werewolf??? Smokes!!! Not like her part wasn't already screwed up enough being undeveloped/ disjointed.

Now, Victoria, played by Bella Heathcoat, played an extremely pitiful character. I don't know if we should call her stupid or brave. She fell in love with a two timer, possessed her reincarnation, and would risk her life two times for a blood diamond. Which normal person in their right mind would marry a douche bag like Barnabas and die for him so many freaken time? Can't ghosts go in and out easily to see how many woman he had slept with? This irks me!

As much as I did enjoy some of the characters for portraying how nasty people really are, I was looking for a fun movie that matched the preview. All the fun parts were highlighted in the preview and no humor got developed further. As you can see, you know which character boils my blood. The preview sure did a lot of false advertisement and kicked ass for making people wait in line for hours for what seemed to be better rent at home. This movie did not meet my expectation. In fact, as fictional films meant not to be real, it sure didn't make a whole lot of sense. I am reluctant to give them credit for that.

A Little Bit of Heaven

A little Bit of Heaven 2012- Director Nicole Kassell

Warning! A Little Bit of Heaven will make you cry. Kate Hudson who plays Marley, is a single marketer who also fears love. Thankfully, she is surrounded by supportive friends. Otherwise, the life she leads will be a destructive one. Why you may ask?  Well, she's a bit (ok, not just a bit) of an emotionally selfish one, which I will explain later.  The screen develops as  she finds out she had colon cancer. Of course, we all know what that means? Time to be frivolous and PARTAY!

In the mist of a colonoscopy, she had a brief encounter with God, played by Whoopi who granted her three wishes. Wasting no time, she wished for flying and a million bucks. Kicking in here with my analytical skills, I believe her choice of flying, indicates her thrill seeking personality. Once she dies, she can never feel anymore.   Her choice of money is just a  tool to buy her happiness. By the way, her wish was granted through life insurance. It wasn't a miracle.  She then took her friends to get some Gucci and Pucci, which seems a bit odd to me that her friends are into expensive memoralbilias. I don't know about you, but I don't like keeping expensive bad clutter. Oops, I meant bad memories.  She just had to traumatize her loved one just to make sure she never gets forgotten. But it was a mix bag of reactions, so I guess to each their own.

Her doctor played by Gael Garcia Bernal of course had to fall in love with her. For what he lacks, he finds it in Marley, which is humor and excitement. Marley had taken him to a transvestite bar and taught him to be less robotic because doctors are just plain boring (SARCASM!).

Now for the positive, Marley gets a midget escort for the night. It was just a joke from her friend, but Marley wasn't  shaken up. She owns her friend by faking up a sex scene. The friend had a WTF look on his face. It was priceless. We now know what makes Marley happy. She needs the control. The last laugh is hers. Not so fun as her friend, but it sure was funny looking from outside in.

As she gets closer and closer to her death bed, she gets more and more frustrated and everything that came out of her mouth was just plain nasty. Trust me, you'd want to kill her. She'd make a sore loser who would take anyone and everyone with her to her grave. She committed a BUI which means, anyone unlucky enough to be around her is going to suffer. She just enjoys screwing with people's emotions. Unfairly, she only got hit in the head and gets a second visit from God. I'd send her to hell if you'd ask me.  But, as she thought her life had ended, she began to regret leaving with unreconciled relationships. She didn't die (sadly), but she did deliver her third wish. She wished for love. It's probably the most humanistic side you will ever see in her. At least she wasn't an absolute dead cause.

My husband tossed over a kleenex as I un-shamefully started whipping off my tears and soaked it with tons of snot and tears because all the apology scenes were hella emotional. I had to take the time to think about why I reacted the way I did. The hubby enlightened me that people who strive to live (in this case, the emotionally selfish ones) are full of life. When they die, it's just a bummer that life is just so freaken fragile and beyond our control.  I guess it's almost like assholes have a very low base line, and it doesn't take much for anyone to like them once they offer the tiniest amount of kindness. Not the most best message to send out there, but that's life for yah. BTW, if you are looking for a good message from this movie, I'd say forget about it. It's more of a movie that reinforces bad behavior, but without a doubt, this movie is relatable. I wouldn't go as far as hating this movie. In fact, I think it's quite great. Just make sure you have a strong heart. Probably wouldn't be that great as Marley's friend though. So to conclude this movie, she finally passed away. She died with a party, which is much played out in TV shows that I just cannot regurgitate the name of. Please leave comments below if you got that one figured out. Thanks!

I'd say, this is more of an experience type of movie. Make sure you grab enough toilet paper to wipe down those tears. It's interesting that this movie left me more sad than happy. Why would a person pay for a movie just to be sad? Maybe it's another one of those to movies created for actors/actress for an Oscar nominee. I wouldn't really call it my form of entertainment balling on a Friday night. I think this movie is powerful, but not one to re-watch for the second time. At least I watched it for free.